HopeRealized
by Ulysses1
Summary: I really have been sick over how ER ended this season and I have been mulling over my own alternate ending for some time now.  This is my alternate version of I Don't.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Hope… Realized

Author: Jean (Ulysses1)

Fandom: ER  
Pairing: Neela/Ray  
Rating: FRT- this chap/ FRT-M next chapter  
Disclaimer: The names of characters contained herein are the property of the copyright holder of "ER." No infringements of these copyrights are intended, and said characters are used here without permission.  
Spoilers: "I Don't"  
Beta: None, so a thousand pardons for any and all errors.  
Summary: I really have been sick over how ER ended this season and I have been mulling over my own alternate ending for some time now. Today, it actually ended up in words rather than just in my head. This will be a two chapter story that I am intent on finishing by the end of this week. Obviously, I have toyed with the timeline and events of the last two eps somewhat, but I hope you enjoy and I thank you in advance for any feedback this story may receive.

Ray gulped back his glass of JD and grimaced at the fact that all the alcohol in the world would not wash away the fact that he was downright miserable. That once again his fantasy of getting closer to Neela was flattened. Sure, he felt the cloudiness, the mind numbing effect of the combination of the various liquors he had downed during the night, but the fact of the matter was, he could still feel that he was sporting a fat lip from that asshole and a severely bruised heart. He laughed sardonically at what a pathetic idiot he had become. He had actually felt nauseous when he saw Gates stroking his hand down Neela's face. Like someone had sucker punched him right in the gut. The kiss he had witnessed several weeks ago was one thing. He felt complete anger then, but Neela had been pushing him away during that time. He had not had as much hope as he did after their meeting on the rooftop tonight. _Hope,_ he snickered. It was a lucky thing that Hope had interrupted them when she did. If he had another taste of kissing Neela, he would be that much worse for the wear. Kissing her that night had sealed his fate stronger than ever. _What am I doing here,_ he pondered. _I am paying for a buzz when I can just go home and drink myself into a stupor, cheaper and faster._ Ray put his money on the bar and turned to leave, stopping momentarily to retrieve his ringing phone. _Don't want to lose that moron so that you can stare at it contemplating if you should call Neela later and go off on her. _

Neela gazed down at the CD from Ray, a soft, tender smile replacing the tears, anger and complete disbelief related to the mortifying events from earlier. Ray and Tony had been in a fist to cuffs right in the middle of Abby's wedding! This night was mad! Gates had once again proved that he has not in control of his anger. He was a loose cannon and it was clear that his impulses drove him to erratic and moronic behavior. He should have seen that Ray had had too much to drink and left it alone; handled it differently. But that was the problem, he always handled it in a manner that didn't sit right with her, which had made breaking it off so much easier than what she had built it up to be. It was suddenly so clear. She felt excited for where her burst of clarity could now take her. She was going to have the opportunity to be truly happy again. Again? No, happier than she knew how to be before. A simple mixed song CD made her giddy. Her wedding had not made her this giddy. This was what that kind of love was all about. Reveling in the simplistic joys that life had to offer. She wanted to listen to the CD right now and she wanted to listen to it with Ray. She stopped herself and puzzled over why the fight had taken place between Ray and Tony in the first place. Her encounter with Ray on the rooftop had been charged with anticipation and Ray had been mellow, loving. She rubbed her hand over her wrist in remembrance of how tender the stroke of his thumb had felt. Ray was sincerity. His looks, his words, his very being indicated that he cherished her and it was powerful. Why had he become the angry person she had witnessed at the bar? Chuni had said that Ray had egged on Tony; taunting him, but why? She had given Ray hope. _Hope, she cursed. If Hope had not interrupted them, she would be enjoying her evening ten times more than she was now because if she had it her way, she would still be up on the rooftop with Ray, in his arms, finding out that his soft kisses she experienced a fortnight ago still made her weak at the knees. _

She glanced again at the CD cover. They really looked happy in this picture. It had been a great night: a charity event that Ray had asked her to in support of the Big Brother association. Full of laughter, conversation, and as always, that undercurrent of something more. A strong awareness of the other… She wasn't sure how she had fought it for so long. It had been there through Michael and definitely while she was with Tony but she had fought hard to deny it. Well, she was not denying it now. She needed to find Ray. She had not seen him since all hell had broke loose. As if on cue, she watched as Pratt walked up to the bar and spoke to Morris conspiratorially.

"Greg?" Neela tapped him on the shoulder causing both Pratt and Morris to look at her expectantly, mixed with trepidation. They were certain Neela was going to rip them a new one for letting the fight escalate to the level it had.

"What?" She said defensively.

"What" they replied in chorus. Pratt recovered first. "Sorry Neela. You alright?"

Neela furrowed her brow. "I am fine now, taken care of a few things I should have long ago. Where's Ray?"

Pratt shook his head in disgust. "We sent his drunk self home." He exchanged a quick look with Morris at the instant flash of anger he saw on Neela's face.

"WHAT? WHY?"

Morris raised his hands in defense and pointed to Pratt with his free finger. "Not me! HIM!" He was silenced by Pratt's look of disdain.

Pratt spoke in a placating tone. "Look Neela, he was drunk and I didn't want him causing anymore trouble so I…"

"So you just blame Ray then?" she countered accusingly. "Why didn't you send Tony home too? He's standing over there laughing away with Frank like nothing ever even happened here tonight!" Her pleasant, happy feelings dissipated. Gates was an unfeeling cad.

"Well no, I uh…"

"Did you hail him a cab then? Is he home now?"

Pratt dribbled the drink he had to his mouth down his chin as he pulled his head up in alert to Neela's increasing agitation. "Ah, no, I just told him to go home."

"So you let him walk, drunk and stumbling through downtown Chicago to get home, where he could get mugged, beaten, run over?"

Pratt reached out his hand for her arm, while Morris shrunk back against the bar, out of range. "Neela, Ray's a big boy. I told him to catch a cab. He has stumbled home before. He'll be ok."

"Really Greg? Is that your assumption? Did he look ok to you when he was bleeding from the mouth? Did you entertain the thought at all that he might go do something even stupider than getting into a fight at a wedding because he was pissed and embarrassed…" Neela glared at the two men. She knew she was overreacting, but once again, the thought of Ray getting hit or injured made her queasy. The night that Zoey's father had trounced him played vividly in her mind. Ray was not a fighter.

Morris looked at Neela quizzically and a slow smile spread across his face. "Oh HOooo!" he exclaimed like a child that had finally figured out a difficult riddle. He clapped his hands slowly applauding her. He was unfazed by the glint in her eye and continued to clap, causing other people at the bar to turn and stare. He stopped abruptly when he felt Pratt's elbow make contact with his ribcage.

"Look Neela, I don't know what happened between you two tonight, but, he was talking crazy. Like every time he feels he gets ahead, he takes several steps backwards and…"

An alarm went off in Neela's brain. _What could have made him say that. She hadn't done anything to make him think otherwise, unless he saw… Bollocks! _ "GREG! Where did he go? What direction?

"Neela, why don't you let him sleep it off. I mean what is so important that you have to talk to him tonight?"

Neela cut him off with a glare.

Morris laughed at Pratt and commented as though Pratt was in another realm. "She's in love with the dude man! Neela wants some Raaaaay."

Hope had walked up at that very moment and squealed. "Ooooo, that explains why they were up on the roof tonight, talking so close!" She giggled excitedly and did a little dance holding on to Morris' hands. "Aren't weddings so exciting!" She stopped mid dance and sucked in some air. "Ohhh, I am so sorry that I interrupted you two. You know, you and Ray could take the suite that Archie and I… OW, Archie!" Hope held her backside and turned on her lover. "You pinched me!"

"It was a love pinch honey…" Neela ignored the two of them with a roll of her eyes. This had gotten way out of hand

Pratt looked quickly at Neela and smiled broadly when he realized she did not deny Morris' observation. "Sooo, my man Ray is coming out victorious, good for you Ne…"

"No thanks to you apparently." Ray had told Neela about Pratt's counsel the night that they had kissed in the car. Of course, she had pushed him away at every turn as well. No wonder he was in such a state. "Now shut up and stop acting like a school boy and tell me what direction he went in!"

Pratt laughed good naturedly and nodded his head behind him. "We went out the kitchen so he headed down Roosevelt St. so I am thinking he may have grabbed the EL down two blocks or…" he sucked his breath through his teeth apologetically, "or if it was me, I probably would have hit another bar."

"GREAT! This night cannot get any madder!" Neela exclaimed. She whirled away from him, flipping her phone open as she did so. "Tell Abby and Luka good bye for me," she called over her shoulder. The last thing she heard was Morris commenting to Pratt and Hope.

"So I guess Barnett was lying when he said they didn't sleep together."

The last thing she SAW was Pratt slapping him upside the head and Hope taking the other side. She had to remember to thank them when she saw them next.

Ray stepped out onto the pavement from the bar. Bleary eyed, he checked his phone trying to decipher who called him. He slapped it shut again. He didn't care and besides he momentarily had to remind himself which way to go to catch the EL. G_ood one Barnett, you are over the top with this bender. _ He slipped his arm into the sleeve of his jacket and stepped out in the street and felt the ominous feeling of something approaching. Feeling like he was in slow motion, he hastily stepped back up the curb and expelled a long breath at the vehicle that flew past him quite rapidly. _Dude, get a grip man. _He stepped back out again and his curiosity regarding who had called him got the better of him. He once again flipped open his phone and laughed to himself. Neela…what did she think he was, some kind of yo-yo? The phone slipped from his numb fingers and fell to the ground.

Neela came around the corner looking fervently for Ray. She prayed that she would get lucky and actually find him or that he would already be at his apartment passed out. She stopped in her tracks when she saw him standing in the middle of the road, staring at his phone, shaking his head laughing. A tinge of nausea hit her. What was he thinking standing in the middle of the busy street? Her nausea turned to full out panic as she saw the approaching truck as an oblivious Ray leaned down to retrieve his phone. She immediately ran forward, screaming his name. "RAY!!"

Mid crouch, Ray turned towards the sound of his name and stood up. It sounded like Neela. Now he knew he was drunk. Before he knew what hit him, a hand grasped his arm and jerked him back forcibly at the same time a semi blew past him, the force of it actually making him waver against the body flush up against his own. A shaking body.

Neela clutched Ray to her, her eyes tightly closed. She was certain that both she and Ray were going to be sucked into the oncoming traffic from the force of the wind from the speeding truck. Her limbs were shaking in the aftermath of what could have happened. Slowly, she opened her eyes and was shocked at the hostility she saw in Ray's.

"What are you doing here?"

Neela's jaw dropped at the tone of his voice and at the fact that he was trying to extricate himself from her embrace. Her hand immediately grasped his wrist tightly as she pulled him to the safety of the sidewalk. Once they reached it, Ray belligerently pushed Neela's supporting hand off of him. "I'm fine."

She looked at him incredulously. "You're fine?" Her voice rose even shriller at the look he gave her. "You're fine? You almost got flattened by a bleedin semi Ray! You are NOT fine."

Even in his stupor, Ray realized that he would not be standing here right now if she hadn't come along. The remnants of his phone scattered across the road told him that much. "Well, what do you care Neela? Gates have to run off so you are setting up for second string?" he asked petulantly.

"What?" Her voice came out sharp, yet incredulous. This was NOT going as planned. She reminded herself that he was completely blotto and reached for his sleeve again. "Stop being a nancy boy Ray and come with me."

Ray had the wherewithal to question the name, regardless of the amount of alcohol flowing through his brain. "Nancy Boy?"

"Pathetic…" she countered, enunciating the word.

His juvenile side once again appeared. "So now I am pathetic?" He laughed loudly. Hadn't he just called himself that earlier? "Which is true I guess, because as Pratt would say, I'm hooked on a girl." He laughed again, sardonically.

"What are you on about Ray? Yes, right now you are being pathetic, belligerent and down right nasty. And if you weren't so plastered, I would tell you to sod off and leave your wanker of a self standing here!. She put her hands on her hips, fire burned in her eyes.

Ray wobbled away from her, waving his hand in the air. "FINE. He stopped mid stride when he heard a shrill whistle. Turning around, he saw Neela bringing her fingers down from her mouth and waving to the cab she had just hailed. He made to move on and his head jerked back at the yank she gave him. She was small but powerful. That had always impressed him. He avoided the glare she gave him as she nodded her head towards the open door of the cab indicating that he should get in. She glared again and spoke through her teeth as he opened his mouth to protest. "Don't push me Ray."

Ray poured himself into the cab, his vision swirling in front of him as he heard Neela talk to the cabbie.

"3990 Mallon Blvd please."

His stomach churned as the cab lurched forward. It smelled of sweat, stale beer, and old cigarettes, almost like the waiting room of the ER at three o'clock in the morning. His eyes crossed and he mumbled, "I think I am going to be sick." He felt Neela lean over him, her soft breasts resting on his arm as she rolled the window of the cab down.

"Hey those feel…" The Rasgotra glare stopped him in his tracks, as did the feel of her hand on the back of his head as she pushed his face towards the window, giving him no alternative but to stick his head slightly out the opening.

Neela fumed as she sat beside an obliterated Ray. When he was sober she was letting him have it, both barrels loaded. Plus her Uzi.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** Hope… Realized

**Author:** Jean (Ulysses1)

**Fandom**: ER  
**Pairing:** Neela/Ray  
**Rating:** M  
**Disclaimer:** The names of characters contained herein are the property of the copyright holder of "ER." No infringements of these copyrights are intended, and said characters are used here without permission.  
**Spoilers:** "I Don't"  
**Beta:** None, so a thousand pardons for any and all errors.  
**Summary:** 2nd chapter of my alternative ending! I really have been sick over how ER ended this season and I have been mulling over my own alternate ending for some time now. I apologize that I said I would update within the week since real life came a knocking, as did vacation. Hopefully you will think this is worth the wait. I have rated this chapter M due to a stronger sexual content.

Thank you all for your kind reviews. It really means more than you will ever know and keeps the home fires burning.

The cab pulled up in front of Ray's apartment and he sat with is head in his hands while Neela paid. _This night was going over well._ He "allowed" Neela to pull him out of the cab and support him as he navigated the stairs, which had doubled since the last time he had climbed them. At his apartment door, Ray fumbled in his pocket for his keys and looked up in shock when Neela's hand joined his own in the search. Any other time, he would have had a choice comment and a major boner. Tonight, his stupor, and her clinical expression while she assisted rendered him silent and tragically limp.

Ray teetered across the room and flopped himself on the couch while Neela disappeared to the kitchen. She returned and handed him a glass of water while she held a pitcher in her other hand. He reached for the glass of water Neela extended towards him and drank it with a gulp, only to spit it out from the unexpected bitter taste.

"Agh! Neela!"

"It is Alka Seltzer Ray. Drink up. Here's your chaser."

She preceded to hand him another glass filled with plain cold water. Once he finished it, she filled it again from the pitcher she had brought out and handed him another. She watched as he wiped the dribble from his chin and saw it was mixed with the dried blood. Once again she disappeared into the kitchen and returned; her anger resurging at the sight of the blood. Maybe Ray was to blame just as much as Tony? A wet wash cloth flew towards him and landed squarely in the middle of his chest.

"Clean Up Ray."

"Nice bedside manner Neela," he responded dryly.

She watched with exasperation while he sloppily wiped his face. The replay of Tony slamming Ray's face into the bar in such a violent display of aggression somewhat softened her annoyance. Silently, she stepped forward, and extracted the cloth from his hand and perched next to him on the corner of the couch, her bare knees gently pressing into his. Her one hand held the side of his angular face while she gently wiped at the dried blood and Alka Seltzer from his mouth and jaw. She tried not to concentrate on how it actually felt to have Ray's strong jaw in the palm of her hand or how the unique curve of his lips called out to her. She knew the touch of those lips now. The gentleness, the promise of a sensuality beckoned to her.

Ray watched her as she intently focused on her task, reveling in the feel of her palm against his skin and the pleasant smell of her hair. His fingers ached to touch it, to thread through it and bring her closer to him. He leaned forward and rubbed his face slightly into her hand, nuzzling, looking for an increased caress and he reprimanded himself. He really had become a love sick idiot and the vision of Gates caressing her cheek jumped out of him again, causing him to jerk his face away.

Neela looked at him in shock. "Ray?" she questioned.

"Neela," he jeered.

"I was just helping you."

"You are just so hot and cold, do you know that?" He shook his head, laughing bitterly.

"Ray," Neela spoke, her tone placating. "It's late and there are things you don't know and…"

Ray felt sleepy but he obstinately persisted. "What don't I know? I'll tell you what I DO know. I know that I am probably the laughing stock of the ER. Your BOYFRIEND," he enunciated and paused as his eyelids got heavier, "made sure of that," he mumbled. His head flopped back on the couch.

"Ray! You didn't exactly help out tonight either!" Neela stood up and began to pace. There was so much that needed to be said, yet now was not the time.

Groggily, Ray retorted. "Like them violent these days do ya Neela? Because you used to like them pretty bland." His voice trailed off.

Neela felt an immediate spark of anger. This had nothing to do with Michael. She sighed and whirled around to face him, her voice tight. "I am not going to fight with you now Ray, because odds are you won't remember any…" She stopped mid sentence as she took in her ex-roommates posture and heavy breathing. His eyes were closed, his mouth hung open. He was out cold. "And I want you to," she spoke to stillness of the room. "Ugh! Bloody men!" She picked up her purse and wrap and headed for the door only to stop when she glanced quickly at her watch. It was two am and she was exhausted, drained. Hailing a cab now would be futile and she certainly was not taking the EL. Resolutely, she glanced at Ray and made her way to her old bedroom.

Neela opened the door and was shocked at the change in her room. Ray had completely converted it to a recording studio. It wasn't high end, but he obviously had invested in some key pieces. He had said that he had been playing around recording his own stuff but she had not realized that he had set himself up in the apartment. A ghost of a smile lit her face as she pictured him recording her song. If she wasn't so exhausted, she would play it at this very moment. Always practical, she knew that sleep was the better option. With that thought, she made her way to Ray's room. She felt some trepidation about sleeping there but he was tanked out on the couch. She'd just take a little kip and then be gone by the time he woke up.

The first thing she noticed upon entering Ray's room was the neatness. Was he expecting company? The second thing she noticed was the picture of them placed next to his bed, leaning up against the lamp. If he was expecting company, it would certainly serve as a deterrent. Unless it was for her? Had Ray thought that she may return with him after the party? She had told him just the other night he would not have to wait long. Her fingers trailed across his dresser, fluttered across his cologne bottles and fidgeted with his brush and comb while she glanced nervously at the bed. She was stalling and he wasn't even in the bed! Sighing, Neela once again looked around the room and saw a tee shirt hanging over the chair. _Wouldn't be the first time you nipped an article of clothing Rasgotra._ She unzipped her dress, removed her bra and pulled the shirt over her head. She remembered this shirt, just as she remembered the look on his face when he was wearing it and she told him it was time for her to move out. She knew Ray thought that she had forgotten her feelings back then or was punishing him for even having them. And to be perfectly on the up and up, it was exactly what she was doing. Her feelings for him complicated her life and turned her upside down. Lord knows she had tried vainly to squelch any warmth towards him and the only way to do that was to remain completely detached. He had to understand that she could not view herself as some silly tart. She had taken great pride all her life in being level headed; someone who consistently did the right thing. No matter what her heart wanted, she did what was expected of her. Yawning, she cleared the multiple pillows off his bed, wriggled under the covers that smelled refreshingly clean and snuggled her head into his pillow. No wonder women loved sleeping here. This was heaven. Her last waking thoughts were resolute. They would talk more tomorrow. Fervently she hoped she could get through to him when he was not under the influence and when she didn't want to ring his neck.

Ray awoke with a start, his neck cramped from the position he was in on the couch, his mouth devoid of any semblance of saliva. He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees and stared at the floor, running through his mind the series of events of the evening. Some were clear, others, not so much. Wedding, check. Neela and him on the roof, check. Gates a jackass, double check. Him giving Gates a run for his money in the Jackass department? Triple check. He groaned as he ran his fingers through his hair. He had blown it. Neela must have left after he passed out and he couldn't blame her. Months of biding his time, getting ahead an inch and backtracking a mile, trying to practice patience, blown by one too many bourbons. Bleary-eyed, he looked at the clock. Five am. He would get some more shut eye and call her at a more appropriate time. He could just hear the rant she would give him if he contacted her now.

He grunted as he rose and made his way to the bathroom, shaking his head at the red rimmed eyes that stared back at him in the mirror. He brushed his teeth vigorously to remove the fuzz that had invaded his mouth and winced slightly as he made contact with his bruised lip. He splashed cold water on his face, unzipped his trousers and unbuttoned his shirt and let them fall lazily to the floor. Not bothering to turn on the hall light, he headed to his room on auto pilot, walking slowly, allowing his eyes to gradually adjust to the dark. His eyebrows arched in surprise when he realized the covers had been disturbed and a sleeping form inhabited his bed. His palms broke out in a slight sweat. How many nights had he wished fervently for the pliable body of some young groupie to be the body that was lying there now? His hand reached for the back of his head, scratching it in contemplation as he turned slightly to go back out to the couch. He stopped. He had a stiff neck; his body ached from being slammed against a bar. He wanted HIS pillow, HIS bed. He glanced over at the silhouette of Neela's dress draped over the chair in the corner of his room. He felt a stirring down below as he envisioned what she may or may not be wearing. He pursed his lips. _She might kick your ass Barnett. _He grinned slightly. _She might not_. _No, she probably would._ It came to him then. He was done. He was no longer walking on egg shells. It was his bed. She was in it. If she wanted to get out when he got in, so be it. If she wanted to stay, so be it. Not an overly religious man, he prayed fervently for the latter as he sank down next to her and pulled the covers over him. Her delicate smell instantly enveloped him and he ached to reach out and pull her to him. Although, much more sober now, he still felt the sting of the evening. He willed himself to roll over and closed his eyes.

Neela felt the bed shift next to her and opened her eyes sleepily. She squinted in the darkness and saw the tousled head of her ex roommate, the man she was ready to let down the barriers for; the man that had made her feel such a wide variety of emotions since the day she met him. Intrigue, distrust, pure livid anger, disgust, friendship, respect, envy, guilt, empathy, contentment, joy… Even now, as angry as she had been earlier over his drunken state and childish insecurities, she felt the strong yearning to be close to him, to feel his body pressed against hers. She stared at the back of his head for what seemed to be an eternity, her body actually trembling slightly in trepidation of reaching out to him. She heard his soft snore and it spurred her into action. Inching her body across the bed, she reached her hand out, touching his shoulder tentatively. Biting her lip, she slowly caressed her hand down his arm, feeling the sinewy muscles heat her palm. As she neared the crook of his elbow, she curved her hand underneath and skimmed her hand across the flat plane of his belly. Her heart hammered but she pulled herself in closer so that she was flush up against the back of him. Her hand now rested just below his chest, her forearm encasing his abdomen and her mouth was dangerously close to his neck. Gently, softy, she placed a kiss there and felt a strong sense of contentment. Granted, she felt a heat surge within her body, but this was something different. It was solace. It was safety. It was bliss.

Ray's body immediately reacted when he felt Neela sidle up behind him. Although he had been in a light slumber, the instant her body shifted, he was aware of her. He valiantly feigned sleep as she inched closer to him, intrigued by her intentions and waiting expectantly to see where they led. He shivered internally as her full lips made contact with his neck, but he remained still when she made no other move, for he decided, euphoria, combined with a good old fashioned hang over, was not a horrible place to be. As she settled in behind him, he slowly and gently covered her hand that lay beneath his chest with his own and pushed back more intimately into her, luxuriating in the feel of her breasts against his bare back and her legs tucked behind his. As their breathing regulated together, sleep once again overtook them in the wee hours of the morning, unmistakable smiles of serenity playing upon their lips.

Ray awoke to slivers of sunlight streaming through the blinds in his room. He squeezed his hand and still felt Neela's slighter, delicate hand within his grasp, her body, still flush against his. So it wasn't a dream after all. He studied her hand and realized it was just one of the smaller aspects of her that he loved. Neela had beautiful hands and he had consistently envisioned the feel of them upon his skin, stroking him, loving him. He gently pulled her hand up to his lips and kissed the inside of her palm. He could sense that her body was still in a deep slumber and he turned quietly to face her, never letting go of her hand. A curly tendril of hair fell across her cheek. He wound it around his finger and studied the dark contrast of her hair against his paler skin. Continuing his journey, he smiled softly at the traces of un-removed make up upon her face. She must have been shot. She had a strict ritual of washing her face before going to bed every night. No matter how much they had to drink, she was insistent. Her lips were still tinged with lipstick and he ran his finger over the plumpness of her bottom lip. He stifled his quick intake of breath as her mouth opened slightly in response, her tongue catching the tip of his finger as she chased away the tickle. Mesmerized, Ray leaned forward and placed a whisper of a kiss on her moistened lips. His eyes opened slightly as he felt the slight pressure of return. He was greeted by her intensely dark brown eyes, her eyelids slightly smudged with mascara. He grinned sexily, yet somewhat warily.

"Morning." He whispered, his lips centimeters from hers.

Neela looked intently into Ray's green eyes. Blast him, that grin was lethal. It lit up his entire face with sex appeal and made it difficult to remain mad at him. She wondered if he could make a girl orgasm by that alone. Lord knows she had felt like it on occasion.

"Good morning," she whispered back, feeling a strong sense of shyness, tinged with unease, despite her need to be so close earlier in the morning. She held her breath as Ray lazily drew his thumb across her lips again, staring intently at them.

"I'm sorry Neela," he said softly, sincerely. "I was drunk."

"You were a bleeding sod and you nearly got yourself flipping killed." Her voice was level, stating a matter of fact, versus accusatory.

He pursed his lips and agreed with her, a tender smile transforming his lips. "I should thank you for saving me then."

Neela shivered slightly, remembering just how close he had come to being run down. "You should thank me for not killing you once we got home."

"Ok… thank you Neela." His voice was soft and sexy.

The breath she held earlier was lost as Ray leaned closer and kissed the corner of her mouth, drawing his lips across to the center slowly, tantalizingly. He repeated the process at the other corner of her mouth. She felt almost dizzy as Ray entangled his fingers in her hair and ran through it caressingly. His tongue slid tentatively against her own as his bare leg followed suit and slid slowly, lazily between her legs, his thigh emanating heat dangerously close to her knickers that were in the process of feeling like they were on fire. Her fingers entwined in his hair and she pulled him closer to her, surprised by the intensity of her need to be as close to him as possible. If she could crawl inside of him, she would. She struggled with the extremely strong desire to grind herself against his thigh. They still had so much to resolve and she felt the fear associated with the physicality of their progressing relationship engulf her. Ray nibbled at her lips, feeding off of them as she felt his own intensity grow. The heat of his hand startled her as it slid under her t-shirt and she moaned as his hand seared her nipple as he flattened his palm against her breast, his nimble fingers gently massaging the plumpness on the sides.

"God Neela," he murmured.

Neela felt a rising panic. The strength of her long suppressed feelings for Ray threatened her and his irrational display from the evening before taunted her. Typical Rasgotra she thought. _Head engaged. Heart protected_. She couldn't stop herself as she frantically jumped out of the bed, driven by the high voltage of his thumb flickering across her nipple.

"RAY!" she said accusingly.

"NEELA!" Ray slapped his hand against the mattress in frustration, feeling immediately bereft due to her frantic departure from his bed. She was finally there, in his arms, soft and vulnerable, and he hadn't been able to help himself.

"You can't say the things you did last night and then immediately try to SCREW me! SEX does not cure everything!" Her words came out more venomous than she had intended and she immediately saw the bell go off again in Ray's eyes.

Ray sat up in the bed, his knees crooked in front of him, his elbows resting on his knees and bowed his head and shook it. Here we go again…

"Neela…" He started out pleading but his tone changed and he laughed sardonically. _Two steps forward, two steps back._ "Is that really what you think I was trying to do? SCREW YOU?" He spat.

She countered. "Your hand was up my bleedin shirt Ray!"

He once again shook his head in disbelief and he got out of bed and challenged her. "My shirt Neela. And for your information, since talking doesn't always seem to work for us. That was about me wanting to make LOVE to you, not SCREW you and you once again, yankin my chain." He walked out of the room.

Neela followed. "Don't walk away from me Ray."

Ray whirled around. "Why not Neela, your little puppet boy not behaving the way you want him to?"

"Ray," she said warningly, her head tilting to the side in a challenge. She quelled the hurt in her heart that he viewed her so negatively.

"WHAT NEELA! God, you don't even see it!" His voice rose and almost squeaked with frustration. "You pull me in, you push me away. Stay the hell away from me Ray. Come have coffee with me Ray. Wait for me Ray, while I go SCREW," he said with emphasis, "the biggest asshole at county! I am like that damn push me, pull me thing from freakin Doctor Doolittle, never sure where the hell I am supposed to go with you, while you sit there and play games."

Neela's eyebrow rose, her defenses high and raging.

"GAMES?" She let out a full sarcastic belly laugh. "Let's talk about games, shall we Ray! In fact, where was your latest "game" last night Ray? Ms. Katie, I am all about the sex, INTERN? You must have been giving it to her good because she certainly seemed to keep hanging around. Was she waiting at home waiting for you to ring her? Because you used to flaunt her in front of my face. Did you hide her away so you could dabble on the side until I made up my mind?" Neela's face was mottled, her own irrationality matching Ray's. "What makes you think it is so easy to turn to you when your track record is hardly reputable?"

Ray looked at Neela in complete disbelief. "Wow," he said slowly, laughing. He tilted his head looking at her quizzically, his hands outstretched to the side. "That's it, huh? After all this, that is what you think of me." He slapped his hands against his thighs in finality.

"Well, what am I supposed to expect Ray? After the things you said last night and your childish behavior… maybe you are not on the up and up and need more time to grow up."

Ray turned from her then. He was silent for a moment and she watched his back, regretting her words, but needing to say them.

His voice came out flat as he turned back to her, his eyes no longer sparkling like they so often did. "You are right Neela. I was childish. Childish to believe… to HOPE that you would ever open up your heart for me, for anyone…" He paused. "To really let them in."

Neela hadn't realized that Ray would be packing his own ammunition. His words stung and her shoulders sagged. She had been wrong in thinking that she was going to be happier now. It was entirely possible that they were not meant to be and that she truly did not know how to let herself be happy. Maybe she was not destined to share her heart with anyone. This was now going to be a story of a friendship gone horribly and irrevocably awry. She looked at Ray sadly; resignation and surrender evident and quickly made her way past him into his room and slammed the door, grabbing her clothes and ripping off his T shirt, tears beginning to stream down her face.

Ray stood silently and processed what had just taken place. It had all gone horrifically wrong and they had let their angers and fears far outweigh any of their other feelings. Rational physician behavior had taken the back seat to bitterness and jealousy. He rubbed his palms up and down his face in contemplation. There was one out left in a double overtime. It was make it or break it time. He strode towards his room and swung open the door.

Neela gasped as the door swung open.

"Look Neela…this has…"

Neela froze. Ray froze. Neela slapped her hands across her bare breasts and Ray pivoted quickly and faced the wall.

"I… Neela."

Neela struggled with her bra. "I can't do this Ray." Her voice quivered.

He turned back to her then, his only mission to try once again and coughed slightly at the vision of her, clad only in a black lacey bra and panties. Ignoring the look on her face, he strode forward and grabbed the discarded T-shirt from his bed. He stopped within inches of her, his eyes searching her face as he lifted his arms and pulled the t-shirt over her head. Her side do from the wedding, already disheveled from sleeping, loosened more and he felt a yearning that completely overwhelmed him. He could not, would not lose her now. Not like this.

Neela trembled as Ray gently held the t-shirt while she could get her arms through. Her breath caught as he smoothed the shirt down her body and brought his hands to the back of her neck and tilted her face up to look at him with his thumbs. She tried to look away at the intensity she saw there, but he held her.

"Neela." His voice came out, caressing, pleading. "I am sorry. This has all gone to hell and I can't let you leave. Do you even know what it has been like for me?"

He looked deep in her eyes, taking her silence and tear stained cheeks as a sign that he should continue, while he still had airtime. "I have been watching you, first with Michael, then with Gates… wanting you, needing you… and loving you Neela."

She bit her lips at his words, seeing it plainly in his face, just as it had been there so many other days. Open and offering.

"And I'm scared as hell Neela. I have been putting myself out there for you. I am not used to feeling like this. I told you that you were the best friend I ever had but what I really meant was, in addition to that… you are the best thing that has EVER happened to me. And yeah, maybe I didn't always handle my feelings for you in the most mature way." He grinned his infectious grin. "But I had to protect myself somehow and the old Ray Barnett had to come out. The old Ray was Teflon. The new Ray feels pain and longing, and jealousy," he emphasized. And as for Katie, she means nothing to me Neela. She went in with both eyes open, trust me, and I never lied to her about how I felt. I haven't seen her for weeks, since I broke up with her. There hasn't been a day that has gone by that I have not thought about you in some way. From the first moment I met you and definitely since I saw you in your Statue of Liberty head gear…"

Neela rolled her eyes at his teasing and Ray sobered, leaning his forehead against hers.

"I am serious." His voice was low and hoarse. "I love you Neela, like I have never loved anyone, but today is the day. Today is the day that I have to know exactly how you feel because, even though I tell myself I can wait for you forever, I don't think my heart can take it. And I know my liver can't," he quipped.

He raised his forehead from hers and looked at her searchingly. "That's all I've got Neela, except for the fact that no matter what your feelings are, I promise I will do my best to never hurt you in anyway."

Neela stayed silent. Her face showed nothing of her whirling emotions within. Ray had been rubbing her in some way all through his heartfelt confession and she felt loose, soothed, while at the same time, his words causing a bubbling cascade to erupt within her that she felt helpless to release, still afraid of something so strong.

She felt Ray's grasp on her arms loosen and watched as his head began to fall forward as he took her silence as rejection. Instinctively and immediately, she stepped closer into his body and lifted her arms to drape around his neck, while she whispered in his ear, the only words she could manage at the moment.

"Hold me Ray, do not let me go." Adding softly, "Ever."

She breathed in the warm scent of his neck where her face was nestled as he gathered her closer and kissed it, feeling the pulse there jump in response. His flat stomach burned against her own scantily clad body, making her nerves jangle. Ray's grip around her tightened and she felt the moisture of a few fallen tears greet her face as she turned her head up towards Ray, her mouth parted slightly; searching, yearning.

Ray met her lips in an intensity that left them both breathless. Their bodies rocked back and forth as they cradled the other in their arms in an all consuming hug. It was a hug of drawing the other as close as physically possible, in an effort to become one being. In this moment it was not about sex, it was about closeness and needing the other. Ray trailed open mouth kisses up Neela's jaw line and raised his hands to sweep her hair away from her face so he could look deeply in her eyes. "Neela," he said questioningly.

Neela looked up with a pure loving smile, knowing what Ray was asking. Her palms caressed the planes of his jaw, memorizing the bone structure and how amazing it felt. Her fingers trailed through the front of his hair pushing it away from his brow while she spoke the words Ray so needed to hear. She felt her fear flutter away as she spoke.

"I love you Ray Barnett."

She grinned broadly as she watched the joy of hearing those words spread across his face. Their smiling lips met and they giggled conspiratorially together.

"You sure?" he said against her mouth.

"100 percent."

Her breath became ragged as Ray kissed her again, slower this time, deeper, reaching to her very soul as hands caressed down her back until his fingers slipped slightly into her panties at the very lower part of her back, right above her bum and tickled her slightly, evoking an erogenous zone she never knew she had. She felt a slow burn as he absentmindedly caressed her there while drawing her towards the bed. Her own hands did not remain idle as she caressed and stroked the long lean muscles of his arms and his back.

Ray loosened his embrace momentarily and sat on the bed, holding Neela's hands, gazing up at her in a manner that caused the pulse in Neela's throat to pound. He slid his hands to her hips, his fingers splayed wide behind her and pulled her forward and placed a soft cherishing kiss followed by a gaping kiss in the middle of her abdomen. Neela's hands rested in his hair and she ran her fingers through it languorously, loving the sensations she was experiencing. Ray then kissed the breastbone between the middle of her breasts and proceeded to the crook of her neck. She could feel him grin against her skin as she breathed in sharply. His firm hand slid slowly behind her neck and he moved himself farther back on the bed, slowly pulling down with him so she lay flat on top of him, feeling everything he had to offer. He shifted slightly and his erection rubbed against her tantalizingly, while his tongue darted out quickly to touch hers and retreated again, making her want more.

Neela pushed Ray's tilted head back against the bed as she deepened the kiss, this time taking on the role of the pursuer, boldly stroking her tongue against his and capturing his to suck on it. Her body sunk against his and she felt as if her breasts were searing right into his skin through the thin lace of her bra. Ray moaned beneath her as she writhed slightly and her eyes flew open wide as he grabbed both sides of her bottom and moved her against him, slowly, seductively.

"Jesus, Ray," she whispered.

Ray smiled a corner smile and kissed the side of her cheek as he spoke in a low voice. "We don't have to do anything Neela. I'd be happy to hold you in my arms all day."

Neela looked at him incredulously, her body heated. "Are you mad? Get busy Barnett"

Ray's eyebrows rose in gleeful satisfaction as he laughed. "Niiiiiccce." He quickly rolled her over as she giggled at the sneaking attack of fingers at her waist, but they both grew serious as Ray looked down upon her, her hair fanning out darkly on the pillows.

His warm hands began at her shoulders and he slowly ran them down her body, across her collarbone, tantalizingly across the crests of her breasts and down to her hips and then back up again. "You are beautiful Neela."

Neela sat up and grasped his strong neck and kissed him slowly, gently nibbling his bottom lip and then continuing to do the same with his upper lip. "Thank you." She whispered, her eyes never leaving his as she lowered herself down to the bed, slowly stripping off her black bra as she did so, revealing herself to Ray's darkening eyes.

"Nooo," he countered, "Thank you." He eyed her appreciatively and leaned down to kiss her tightened nipples. Neela's back arched slightly off the bed to greet him and she cried out as his fingers slid down further, slowly across her stomach, slipping stealthily under the black lace until they reached their destination. Ray teased her with a feather like touch as he lavished her breasts with attention that made her squirm.

Ray's body trembled as he took in the reality of making love to Neela. It was more than he had ever imagined and he literally had to talk himself out of shaking as his fingers and mouth traveled across her body and her panting filled the room. She was sexy as hell and she loved him. Life did not get any better than this. His body stiffened as he felt her reach for him and caress him through the fabric of his boxers. Scratch that. It did get better. She pulled him up to her, pushing down on his boxers with her feet and hands as he rose above her. Way better.

Neela watched the range of emotions cross Ray's face as she wriggled out of her panties below him. He wore his heart on his sleeve and she guessed that she would never have to wonder what he was thinking. He let it all hang out for her to read at random, at will. Her head pushed back on the pillow as he entered her but she felt the gravitating pull of his gaze. Her dark brown eyes met his clearer green ones. The sparks were back and she felt a thrill as the friction between them grew and the sparks made her come alive, making all the trials and tribulations they faced, the separation and void seem far away and almost non-existent. She placed both hands behind his neck and pulled him closer to her, their bodies flush, slick and pulsing. She kissed him sensually as he breathed heavily into her mouth.

"This is brilliant Ray." Her voice was raspy, her face covered in a sheen of perspiration.

"I've been trying to tell you…"

"Ray," she warned teasingly, her eyes flashed.

He grew serious and stared intently into her eyes as he slid slowly and sensuously within her. "I love you Neela."

Neela felt the beautiful burn physically and emotionally from his words and his actions and as she began her crest, she wrapped her arms around his body, getting as close as possible. Her hand stroked the back of his head and she once again murmured in his ear. "Thank you for holding onto the hope I gave you, until I finally realized where I belon…" She cried out then as Ray shifted within her and drove them both to oblivion.


End file.
